Public Communications Office
Washington, DC 20546-0001
June 9, 2010
Okay, please don’t panic. I was trying to turn my breakfast cereal to gold when I think I uttered the wrong wizardry term and summoned a comet the size of Luciano Pavarotti to collide with the Earth. This isn’t any kind of Harry Potter crap. You can’t just put the brakes on a comet or tell it to go home. Thing is, I haven’t told my boss, Grand Wizard Ragnheiður Díðrikur Vilhjálmur of Snæbjørn, mainly because I can’t pronounce his name. I’d rather keep this on the D.L. so I don’t get in trouble, otherwise I’ll never get a wizard license in New Jersey. I already had my fishing license revoked for keeping a small minnow.
What I need you guys to do is go ahead and laser that comet right out of harm’s way. I’ve seen enough movies to know that NASA has all kinds of space lasers. Just tell Bruce Willis about it. Oh man, is Grand Wizard what’s-his-name gonna be mad. And my mother! She thinks I’m halfway through my apprenticeship right now, when really I can’t even do alchemy or simple imprecations. If she found out I summoned an apocalyptic comet I might get grounded. Please help me here. You have no idea what will happen to my reputation if a comet destroys the Earth.
Before I was apprenticed I got sent to wizard camp and had a horrible time. Everyone was transmuting frogs into lizards and rocks into chocolate, but on the first day I tipped a cauldron and scalded my spell-casting hand. A couple nights later I tried casting a love spell on one of the girls but it just gave her a permanent allergy to mustard. She retaliated by transmuting her foot into my stomach. Maybe wizardry isn’t my thing, as evidenced now by the comet that threatens all our lives. So this is just a friendly reminder about that. Thanks!
Kevin Dickinson, Apprentice Wizard