NJ Division of Developmental Disabilities
P.O. Box 726
Trenton, NJ 08625-0726
March 30, 2010
Dear NJ Division of Developmental Disabilities,
I would like to know if there is a paper application I can get to apply for disability benefits. My specific disability is: insanity. I need government money because I can’t get a job (too insane). I have put safety pins where my shoelaces used to be. Only an insane person would do that! I also ripped off my sweater buttons (which were delicious) and put the shoelaces there, so people can say, “Your sweater is untied.” Now tell me if you’ve ever heard of someone doing that. Sometimes I prepare a lavish breakfast, like the ones in commercials, with a bowl of bemilked cereal, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, an orange, a banana, and the cereal box facing forwards in good light, only to sit there for hours until dinnertime. Then I pretend it’s still morning! I even wait to get the morning paper until the sun is setting. I have also killed several of my neighbors. One time I went into the subway wearing a three-piece suit, a monocle, and water wings, and in an Irish brogue dared someone to swim faster than me down the tracks. I almost drowned!
Every day, sometimes twice, I visit the drugstore and buy three of their largest bottles of vanilla mouthwash. I tell them I ran out. I pay with all pennies except one nickel. Tell me if this is not the definition of insanity. I should definitely be getting some government disability benefits. The last time I had a job interview, I showed up in clothes that were five times too big for me, and I stuffed my shirt and pants with VHS tapes of the movie Gigli. There were tapes falling out and clunking all over the floor. I asked them if they had a VCR. I had over 100 tapes in my clothes. One of them was in my sock and I couldn’t wear my right shoe. Then another time, I went into McDonald’s with a flock of 17 parrots that were trapped in helium balloons with little snorkels coming out of the bottom so they could breathe. They were squawking four octaves too high. This was after I got hired there and was fired for delivering customers’ hamburgers to them with a remote-control helicopter, which may or may not have injured a small child and destroyed a collectible Grimace figurine.
I am looking to make between $19,723 and $80,001 from your insanity disability program. I have many needs. One of them is flamingo-shaped soaps, which can be expensive. Another is money laundering (putting dollar bills in a washing machine).