Journal of Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics
American Society for Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics
9650 Rockville Pike
Bethesda, MD 20814-3995
October 20, 2009
Dear Journal of Pharmacology, etc.,
I am Dr. Kevin Dickinson, a pediatric psychiatrist. I am sending you this query before I send my manuscript, as it is 9,000 pages long and will only fit in my mailbox in little pieces. I’d hate to cut it up only to have you say you aren’t interested (I’m out of Scotch tape). Basically, my patients are all toddlers with existential crises. When they’re feeling blue I let them reach into a bowl of candy and prescription medication. They are typically averse to the taste of Prozac and prefer Skittles or lollipops.
Recently I forgot to refill the Prozac (I must have eaten it all), but a red Skittle seemed to calm little Freddie to such an extent that I began using red Skittles exclusively as treatment for depression. I studied the results in detail (9,000 pages of detail) and am happy to say that in 83% of patients, a red Skittle significantly contributed to a better, happier lifestyle. Extrapolating on this theme I introduced green Skittles to patients with psychosis, but 98% of them came down with mild chest congestion and several reported seeing the ghost of Mother Theresa in drag. Purple Skittles, however, have effects similar to the most popular anti-hallucinogens on the market today, and I have already contacted representatives of Eli Lilly, who seem enthusiastic to manufacture Skittles at higher strengths.
Curiously, the yellow skittles have erratic effects on every type of patient. There is not a single consistent trend in all my yellow Skittles studies. For example, I gave one to a five-year-old with multiple personality disorder and nine of her personalities developed bipolar disorder. The last I heard from her, she is a bowling champion from Idaho and doesn’t remember ever going to an alley (or Idaho). However, I fed a yellow Skittle to a goat with an Oedipus complex and it stopped humping its mother. (It still has unresolved issues with its father; further study is required.) I myself took a yellow Skittle and don’t remember a thing, but the next day the walls of my office were painted with maple syrup and my portrait of Freud was replaced by a picture of a waffle at sunset.
I have applied for government grants to study the effects of blue and orange Skittles, which I hope will advance pharmacological knowledge and the general wellbeing of humanity. Please let me know if you are interested in my manuscript, Psychoanalyze the Rainbow: A Pharmacological Study of Skittles and Their Effects on Toddlers with Various Mental Disorders (9,000 pages).
Dr. Kevin Dickinson
And Goat Herder