The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022
July 7, 2008
Dear Mr. Trump,
I noticed that you’re located on Fifth Avenue. Fifth Avenue is also a candy bar. It’s a candy bar and a street!
Mr. Trump (Donald? Are you named after the duck?), they say that no one is truly famous until they have their own fragrance. I was stunned the first time I came across a celebrity fragrance – I remember it was Antonio Banderas’s Spirit cologne for men – was it supposed to smell like Antonio Banderas or something? Is Fantasy by Britney Spears supposed to smell like cigarettes and traces of Kevin Federline? Of course not. What a silly mistake.
I went out onto the street last month to take a survey of how many people know who Donald Trump is. You’d be surprised at some of the results:
- Wasn’t he one of the presidents?
- Never heard of him.
- I can’t place the name with a face – tell me again how much money you’re paying me to say that?
- I’ve told you three times to stop bothering me!
- Donald Trump? The acrobat?
It’s high time, Mr. Trump, that you took to marketing your own cologne. If you want to get your face out there, this is the way to do it. You’ll truly be famous! And what would be a better name than Donald Trump’s Eau de You’re Fired? Whenever you open the top, a magnetic sensor plays a sound clip of you saying “You’re fired!” on an endless loop until you’ve applied aggression and executive power to your neck. On the front will be a picture of you wagging your finger at whoever is looking at the bottle. On the back will be the back of your head, which will be sufficiently Photoshopped to make it look like you have real hair.
Wait! That’s a great idea! Donald Trump toupees for men! If you want to dress for success, you need a Donald Trump toupee, a splash of Eau de You’re Fired, and an office on a street named after a candy bar. Wow, these are great ideas. Can I be your apprentice? I look forward to working with you.