Dial A Mattress Operating Corp.
31-10 48th Avenue
Long Island City, NY 11101
January 11, 2008
Dear Dial A Mattress,
When I shop for mattresses, before the cash register part but after the jumping up and down on them part, I look at the price tag. “Hmm, here’s a mighty fine mattress,” I usually say, then test it out a second time by playing “The Floor is Made of Lava” and jumping from mattress to mattress before some guy in a shirt and tie named Bob comes chasing after me. I am always too fast for those sales guys, so I get away. I’m not sure how they can run around on that lava and not die.
What do you think? Do people standing on lava catch fire, explode, or just melt? Maybe you would know.
Anyway, I’m writing because I heard one of your radio commercials recently, and afterwards I sat for two hours and thought about it. I came to a certain conclusion, but maybe I’m thinking too hard. Here’s a part of your commercial:
“Dial 1-800-MATTRES! Leave off the last ‘S’ for ‘savings.’”
Everything was fine and peachy until I started thinking about that last “S.” I mean really thinking about it. I missed dinner.
Wouldn’t you want to keep the last “S” for savings? If I’m shopping for mattresses, I don’t want people taking off the savings. I want them putting it on. Also, I want the store to have mattresses really close together so the lava gaps aren’t anything to worry about. Sometimes I bring carabiner clips and swing from the ceiling.
I want to buy a mattress from you because I think it would be really cool to order one over the phone. There’s no lava! But here’s my question: if I dial extra S’s, will the savings pile up? As in 1-800-MATTRESSSSSSSSSSSSS?
Just checking. Please let me know about that. I’m sleeping on a box spring right now and it feels like a regular mattress that’s been petrified by millions of tons of pressure in the Earth’s core.