Congressman Rob Andrews
2439 Rayburn House Building
Washington, DC 20515
May 7, 2008
Dear Congressman Andrews,
I’ve finally realized that all of my wacky legislation proposals over the past couple of years have been nothing but a nuisance to you, who have better things to worry about, such as actual legislation. I’m sorry if I wasted any of your time and promise from now on to be a good constituent. I guess it’s like being good for Santa and getting dozens of neat presents: being good to your Congresspeople will get you dozens of neat legislations. I trust your judgment, Mr. Andrews, and hope you serve in Congress until you’re too old to remember where you are.
That being said, I have a 100% serious legislation proposal for you. Roaming out on the streets, I have observed a barbarous phenomenon that I am sure you will agree is a destructive, catalyzing menace that will certainly bring American society to its knees within the next decade. You may have guessed it is drug trafficking, un-spayed kittens, or perhaps childhood obesity. But it is far worse: I am talking about people wearing socks with sandals. It all started with some guy who said, “Regular sandals cause chafing!” and who started wearing low white socks with his flip-flops. Open-toed footwear isn’t really open-toed if you’re wearing socks, is it? After that, the demographic of old people who wear socks that reach almost to the knees (sometimes black socks with sneakers!) picked up on the horrible fad and exacerbated the already horrendous situation.
Pretty soon, Mr. Andrews, people will be wearing rainbow toe-socks with their sandals. I don’t want my children growing up in a world where people wear rainbow toe-socks with their sandals. Street radicals and rebellious teenagers will call them “freedom shoes” and whoever maintains that they’re “just sandals” will be beaten senseless with an eco-friendly pipe.
Mr. Andrews: I’m doing this to protect you. Please outlaw “freedom shoes.”