Attn: Customer Service
19601 North 26th Avenue
Phoenix, AZ 85027
April 7, 2008
You know those dog collars that give mild, harmless shocks to dogs when they bark? You probably do, since you sell them. Well, I was wondering: can they be used for people? Is it safe? Because I have tried Milkbones before and I didn’t get sick, and if this is any way corollary to the effect dog products have on people, I don’t think a bark collar could hurt someone.
I don’t know anyone who barks excessively, if you’re wondering. I used to bark occasionally, but they gave me pills for that. I will not be using this collar for a barking person. Rather, I need to install it on an elderly woman. Hear me out! This is for a good cause! I live next to this really old deaf lady, Alice Tutankhamen (no relation to the boy king of ancient Egypt). I help her out because I’m a Good Samaritan, and also because she pays me, but for the record it’s mostly the Samaritan part. She’s too feeble to leave the house, and because of her condition can’t make phone calls, so the only contact she makes with her friends is looking for them in the obituaries in the daily paper. She doesn’t know what a computer is.
Have you guessed my problem yet? No? Well, then, you try ringing a deaf person’s doorbell and see how long you have to stand on the step before you think about where you left your crowbar. She’s a paranoid old woman, too, and always locks her doors! She won’t give me a key. “Who are you?” she asks, but I know it’s just Alzheimer’s or something. So what I was thinking is that I’d put a bark collar around her neck, and have an electrician link it wirelessly to the doorbell. Every time you ring the bell, the collar will shock her and she’ll answer the door.
I need access to Ms. Tutankhamen’s house so I can administer her daily epilepsy medication. God knows how she throws those fits when her friends pop up in the obituaries! She was foaming at the mouth when Hattie Bourbon kicked the bucket. But that was when I was locked out of the house. I’m tired of paying locksmiths to open the door, and she beat the last one over the head with a rolling pin, so I’m hoping that you can confirm that bark collars can be used on people, and specifically if there is an age limit. Ms. Tutankhamen is 97.